A Gringo Like Me

Holy shit I suck at math

2009-06-12T21:02:34Z

So last week I auditioned to be an SAT tutor for Kaplan Test Prep. Part of this meant that I had to retake the SAT's (they've futzed with it since I originally took the test in 2004). Seeing as how I haven't taken high school math since high school, I realized this could quickly become a problem...

I'm in the 50th goddamn percentile on the math section.

I explained to the guy on the phone how I haven't actually DONE algebra-or-higher math since 2004, which he said was "certainly understandable", so that hopefully means I haven't been ruled out. I was in the 97th percentile on the reading section and they haven't finished grading writing section (I'm 68th percentile on writing, but that's without the essay question, which is a pretty huge chunk of the grade), so hopefully when that all comes out I'll be balanced out a bit.

I really want a goddamn job :(

Star Trekkin' 2: To Weirdly Go

2009-05-12T11:57:14Z

Sometimes, you just have to hate. You don't know why, you don't even want to. But God comes down from the heavens, and he throws you a big, middle-finger shaped thunderbolt, and suddenly, that's your burden. To be the hater. To be "that guy". The asshole that has to shit on everyone's parade.

Today, friends, I am that asshole.

For I hate the new Star Trek movie with a firey, Khan-like passion.

Look, I know what you're thinking, and let me say this right up front: fuck you. This isn't about canon, or continuity, or "Well I always imagined Kirk would have handled the Kobayashi Maru differently", or any of that bullshit. Fuck that.

Not that anyone who feels that way should be ashamed of themselves for feeling it. It's a sad freaking day when the party line in your fandom is "if you don't like it, shut up, you're a creepy mouth breather asshole".

Especially for Star Trek, for fuck's sake! What have we become, people? Whedonites? I remember in days of yore when we Trek fans took pride in our elitism, when we wore our mouth-breather status on our cheeto-encrusted sleeves. Trek is nothing if not the ultimate "fuck you" fandom. You want good special effects? Fuck you. You want sex appeal? Fuck you. You want snappy, Whedonesque dialogue? Fuck you. You're gonna sit there and swallow our crappy costumes and cheesy fight scenes and Diana Troi's camel toe and you're gonna love it, because you're a real fucking science fiction fan. You take your scotch neat, your tobacco unfiltered, and your sci-fi in big heaping gobs of weird.

Trek is a weird, awkward show for weird, awkward people. It's for the sweaty dreamer, the horny scientist, the poet with clammy hands. And now that Trek is momentrily cool again, we're all wiping our palms off and slicking back our hair, ready to phaser the fuck out of any poor sap who comes along to nitpick and whine like back in the good old days. "Shut up, dude! You're blowing our mystique!"

To which I say: fuck that noise. I brought my hating pants today, and god dammit, I'm gonna wear them. The new Trek movie may be many things, but it sure as shit isn't weird. And you know what? That fucking sucks ass.

Of course, the irony of all of this is that the new Trek isn't a bad movie. I walked out of the theater acting just like everyone else: "wow, what a great reboot to the series! Chris Pine wasn't nearly as douchey as I thought he would be! All the beeps and boops came back! Karl Urban <3 <3 <3". And so on.

Then I started to dwell on the shit that, well, wasn't so good. "Yeah, that Nero plot didn't make a whole lot of sense. But I still liked the movie! Oh, and that ice cave exposition dump in the middle was pretty lame. But I still liked the movie! And black holes=time travel was dumb and the climax was underwhelming and they blew their wad on the skydiving bit and what was with Scotty in that water tube thing, but I still liked the movie!

It was clear to me that there was a ball of yarn here, and I might not like what would happen if I kept pulling.

But pull I did. I have this issue where there's no room in my mind for mixed feelings on a movie-- it's a 100%, love it or hate it, warts and gems and all kind of a thing. Star Trek clearly wasn't gonna cut it in this Schrodinger's Jeffries Tube for long.

What's good about Star Trek is plain as day: Quinto owns. Urban owns. It's shiny and bright in all the right places. The little details-- the beeps and boops, the hand loaded torpedoes, the clever callbacks-- they're all great at generating this warm, fuzzy nostalgia with just enough new car smell to be exciting again.

But at the end of the day, what does that all add up to? What have Abrams, Orci and Kurtzman accomplished other than a tireless modernization of the je ne se quois of Star Trek? What have they brought that's new to the table?

Beyond Nokia product placement and Sabotage, the answer is sadly, "pretty much nothing". They've given Kirk and Spock's banter a snappier, sassier zing, and I guess Spock and Uhura make out now, but the best moments in the film come from nothing more than Karl Urban doing a very enthusiastic Deforest Kelley impersonation.

Consider for a moment just how lame that is. Reboots are an incredible opportunity to breathe vitality and relevance back into a franchise-- Nolan rescued Batman from the very pits of hell with Begins, and as much as I groan at the grim-and-gritty coat of paint that gets slapped on just about everything these days, Casino Royale gave Bond a much-needed jolt of intensity and gravitas that had long sense petered out from the series.

We can talk until we're blue in the face about how JJ Abrams has revitalized Star Trek, but all he's really done is given it a Hollywood polish. The characters are exactly the same-- just sexier. The ship is exactly the same-- just shinier. He's buffed away the zits and the warts and the weird, and all that's left is a slick summer blockbuster brought to you by the guys that did Transformers and Mission: Impossible III . You know, for normal people.

That's why there's not a drop of real sci fi in the movie. That's why it does the one thing you just don't do in Star Trek: the same old shit. Because anything else might scare away the real money.

And of course we, the fans, blow these guys six ways to Sunday. Every scrap they throw us-- a sensor ping here, a red shirt gag there-- pushes the fan boner out another inch, until we're ready for a sky-high, Old Faithful-style nut busting come opening weekend. We've been so desperate for a return to form for the series that we'll aim the spooge cannon at the first young buck that stops by Comic Con with a box of chocolates and an exclusive trailer.

And for what? To hitch our wagon to a Hollywood money machine so we can watch everything that used to wonderful and wild about Trek get ground down to a flavorless blockbuster tapioca, with CG explosions and PG-13 sex cut to overblown Hans Zimmer music? I say fuck that. Give me the weird, any day of the week.

Star Trekkin'-- No Spoilers!

2009-05-10T18:17:00Z

(Reposted from my Flixster)

It was good. Not great. Some very solid acting from the cast (especially Karl Urban), a ton of great call backs to the original show to satisfy the grumpy die hards (me), and a slick update to the old-school aesthetic of TOS that's like a breath of fresh air. Definitely a very welcome reboot to the franchise.

But let's not get crazy here. Nero was awful, and despite all the frantic, hyper-loud action (a lot of which was completely gratuitous: what was with that giant spider dragon?), there wasn't a moment of genuine tension or suspense in the whole movie.

I was also bummed out by the lack of any "real" science fiction in the film-- concepts and ideas that go beyond lasers and spaceships blowing up. This is supposed to be the series about exploring new worlds and new life forms, but all we get is some mumbo jumbo about "red matter" and a half-baked black holes=time travel plot device.

Overall, though, it was a good new start. I'd like to see them rein in the Michael Bay-style action and bust out some actual sci-fi in the next one, but I suppose thats how the kids like it these days.

MORE SELF PLUG OMG

2009-03-24T11:27:56Z

To all five of you who read this!

Help my buddy Andrew win the chance to test drive a Ford Fiesta for a couple of months. We just busted our asses off on this video and if we lose to some dick cheese who spent 5 minutes blabbing into his webcam i'm going to bang my head against the wall. Watch it! Vote on it! Take out your pent-up rage on your F5 keys and help us get this baby seen!

Pride and Predator

2009-02-17T18:46:35Z

Okay, so I guess between this and the Zombie Pride and Prejudice thing, the "wacky + Jane Austen" genre is getting a bit crowded, but DUUUUUUUDE:

http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118000187.html?categoryid=1238&cs=1

Leader of the Pack

2009-02-12T01:54:46Z

Anyone want to read a werewolf movie about greasers and a Mexican biker gang in the 1950's? I wrote one last week :)

Star Trek: 90201

2008-12-12T23:40:04Z

Nail, meet head:

Mattel vs. Bratz: FLAWLESS VICTORY

2008-12-07T03:45:50Z

FUCK.
YES.

http://www.thestar.com/business/article/548268

The Quantum of Lolace (pun credit goes to Lauren)

2008-11-15T09:11:40Z

It was pretty damn good. I was worried when I heard the Bourne guys were brought in to do the fights that the rest of the movie was going to be a cold, humorless Bourne-style affair, but they definitely let this one be a full-on Bond movie, even if they left out a few of the trademarks.

That said, FUCK YOU, BOURNE FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY GUYS. I can't wait for shaky-cam to go out of style, because the awful camerawork and choreography ruined what could have been some pretty pro action scenes. It works really well for Bourne, where the emphasis is on gritty reality and fast, frenetic movement, but it's totally wasted on the stylish set pieces and big stunts of Bond. Get a tripod, assholes.

Olga Kurlyenko was great, and the character scenes for Bond this time around were solid as hell. Hopefully the next movie will have an actual supervillain in it, because the last two have just been glorified toadies. I want somebody with some menace. And henchmen. Maybe Malcom McDowell (or Sean Connery)?

Also, how about actually using the fucking Bond theme for more than the fucking end credits? There's a reason it's survived 23 goddamn movies-- it's fucking awesome. They hinted at it in parts of the score, but we never got the full on "DUH DUH, DAH DAHHHH". Total blueballs.

As for Watchmen and Star Trek trailers, don't even get me fucking started.

Important Matters

2008-09-26T04:16:36Z

I am breaking my 9 week Livejournal silence to say that people who think Bruce Lee would beat Mike Tyson in a fight are fucking idiots. Bruce Lee was a great martial artist, but he was a FILM ACTOR. Tyson gets punched in the face for a living. And just because he's a heavy weight doesn't mean he can't throw a fast punch, so none of this "Bruce Lee would float around and pepper him with punches because he's so OMG NIMBLE AND AGILE".

Look, I don't like Tyson anymore than you do but the guy in his prime was a fucking killing machine. Game over, the bad guy wins, deal with it. By the way, same thing goes for Muhammed Ali, bitches.

sunny_sixkiller @ 2008-07-18T04:34:00

2008-07-18T11:35:43Z

Dark Knight owns.
Chris Nolan owns.
Heath Ledger owns.

Next movie: The Dark Knight Returns. Come on. You KNOW it would be rad.

Halo: Homophobia Evolved

2008-06-08T03:47:30Z

Ohh, XBox Live users...

Blearhghghghghg

2008-05-08T19:51:27Z

Just turned in thesis after three days of total hair-pulling insanity. It still isn't finished. Still have about 15 pages of sitcom left to do. First Pitch went really really well. Very nervous. Will probably fuck this up.

I just wanna play GTAIV, man.

"It's this... place. And everything in the world is like... right there".

2008-04-29T01:06:26Z

Hey, all. Our 24-hour movie from the Ed Wood contest this year is finally up on youtube. It's called "NetSkate": it's an epic 80's hacker movie about saving the internet with the power of Reganomics and Sunny D. Hope you enjoy!

2 Charlie, 2 Furious

2008-04-16T01:41:51Z

And you thought the first one was weird. Jesus.

Also, Bettina, I'm reading your House spec. It's awesome so far! I should have notes for you soon once I'm done with my crazy thesis homework.

BSG-- SPOILERS

2008-04-05T22:26:44Z

Like the title says: SPOILERS. I don't know how to do the little link thingy, so consider this your warning.

Solid start to the new season, though they could have kicked things off with a bigger bang. The only real OH SHIT moment was when Tigh kills Adama, and then it's a fucking dream sequence. Boo, Ron Moore. Joel Surnow would have had the balls to waste Adama in the opening ten seconds. Since they didn't lay a huge twist or character death on us, the episode really just felt like the "next" episode, instead of a season opener.

Though maybe in this age of 24-style, pants-shitting season premiers, we've come to expect too much ridiculousness from our television. Killing Adama that quickly would have been an exciting shock, but beyond that, what purpose would it serve other than killing off a beloved character? Maybe my anger's just coming from Moore trying to have his cake and eat it too-- it's a cheap way to get the shock of bumping off Adama without the plot consequences of following through with it. Blargh. Anyway, I'm looking forward to where this "Gaius Baltar and the Sexy Harem" subplot goes.

Self Indulgence Daisy Chain!

2008-03-05T21:39:19Z

YO.

Comment on this message, and I shall:
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

Oh god oh god oh god

2008-02-26T10:24:31Z

I just sent an email to David X. Cohen, creator of Futurama, about meeting for lunch to talk about the industry. Thanks, USC mentor program!

Eeeeeeeeeee...

I'm going to have to take morphine not to completely geek out here. I mean, he fucking wrote the "Poochie" episode of the Simpsons, for fuck's sake. Eeeeeeee.

A Good-Ass Mother Liker

2008-02-15T20:11:55Z

I can't tell what's more awesome about this video: Hugh Laurie doing 90's rap or Steven Fry just chilling there in the background.

Two Chinamen in a Toothpaste Factory

2008-01-13T04:33:06Z

This is another one of my sophomore year student films rescued from the abyss, called "A Case of Murder". It features the very funny, very talented Ray Chase in all of the roles!

"It's over, Goeth! The Jews are coming with me!"

2008-01-10T08:37:18Z

FINALLY got around to uploading another one of my student films from sophomore year: "Hulk and Batman Present: Classic Movie Moments". If you saw Batman Superman Adventures: Baby Jesus in Peril and didn't actively hate it, you might like/not hate this one too!

Bless you, Mack

2007-12-13T05:23:52Z

Guys, take your "Avatar"s and your "Princess Mononoke"s and shove them where the sun don't shine. This has to be the greatest cartoon in the history of mankind:

Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer GO!

2007-12-09T20:14:18Z

Must... stop... grinning... like idiot

If this movie rocks half as hard as that trailer, I take back everything bad I said about the Wachowskis.

Futurama: Bender's Big Score

2007-11-28T07:07:41Z

Dear Futurama,

I MISSED U!!1!!!1!1!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
WILL

everyone go buy the new DVD right now or I'll kill all of you.

Tedious navel-gazery

2007-11-24T08:04:19Z

I miss being out there. In high school my writing was very much about going against the grain, writing crazy weird shit, playing against the rules. It worked some times, some times it didn't, but I feel like the last time I let go and did something weird was with my playwriting class where everyone was writing angsty vagin-o-dramas and I wrote a pirate play. I've written three full screenplays and I don't think any of them are really "me". I don't take risks. I've got an opportunity coming up to show my work to someone important who's looking for new voices, and I don't have anything that really shows my voice, except for maybe in sporadic intervals.

Somewhere along the line I got intimidated by my professors and by my classmates and I threw myself in a safer direction. Instead of writing to blow people's minds, I started writing to please. I stopped writing with balls. With blood.

Well, I'm officially saying fuck all to that noise. My thesis script is my last shot before leaving school to write something worth writing, and I owe it to myself to really own this motherfucker and be proud of it. I'm not going to write something good. I'm going to write something that nobody's seen before, write dialogue nobody's heard before. I'm sick of being the bitch of the rules. I'm sick of not having my heart in my writing. I'm sick of writing movies I wouldn't even want to see.